Greetings again, old friend

It's rainy outside and I'm listening to Billie Holiday. Perfect recipe for some self-reflection and compassion towards myself.

I have been away from the writing/blogging scene for months. September through Jan 1 seem to be the hibernation months for me. I have also been in a leadership program which finishes up with graduation tomorrow.

One of the things that I want to re-dedicate myself to is to myself, to Love Guerrillas and this blog.

I have realized that when I am struggling, it is easier for me to hide away and not talk about it, let alone not on social media. Part of my Body Positive identity has been about being strong, standing up and being a positive leader. Up until recently, I thought that I only could offer something to the greater community if it came from a sense of being happy and having pride in my imperfect body. When sh*t hits the fan, my love for my body comes under attack from a self that is too preoccupied with everything else than checking in to say, "hi body, how are you? you are lovely as always!".

I have always known there was a correlation between times that were hard and then tendency to take it out on my body or think that if that would just improve, "wouldn't things just get better if....?". But the poor body image is a symptom of the overall stress I have been feeling. It isn't a reason for all the stress. It never is. At least for me. I would like to relate to my negative body image/critical voice by saying,

Me: "Oh, here you are old friend. I haven't seen you in awhile. 

Guess it's time for me to take extra good care of myself, huh? 

Now let me send you on your way". 

I accept that times have been hard; impacted by stress and grief and the emotional land mines caused by the passing and impending holidays. I accept that when I am stressed, I tend to not move my body and veg out watching television series. I also accept that I can move again and I respect myself to listen and know when I need both.

I accept that I have a body that I love and adore, that I forget about sometimes. I accept and recognize that I have a perfectionistic tendency to only feel a part of my valued Body Positive community when I feel strong and well. I also accept that this is only my FEAR not reality.

The reality?

I accept myself [and you!] for exactly who I am in this moment and always. I LOVE my body in this moment and all the time. I may forget to give you the attention you need, I may also bash you or become embarrassed of you at times, but I remember that I deeply care for you and love you all the same.

I am not perfect. My relationship with my body recently has been woven and tangled around current loss and guilt about not pursuing my dreams, about stress and grief and missing my mom.

All of this is temporary. 

Both the fear and loss are temporary. 

All of this can come and go in any of our lives. The greatest gift that I have been given, is that The Body Positive helped me create a base and foundation of love so I never get "so-low" that I completely forget who I am. 

An apology to my "self" seems fitting right now:

"Don't Cry Baby"

Ella Fitzgerald

Don't cry, don't cry baby

Don't cry baby

dry your eyes, and let's be sweethearts again

And oh, cuz you know

You know I didn't mean

To ever treat you so mean

C'mon, c'mon sweetheart

And let's try it over again

In renewed self-love and compassion for my body, 

Yours truly.