Ditching the Sweaters

After months of summer, and days upon days of wearing sweaters to work IN 90 DEGREE HEAT... I decided that I am going to ditch my sweaters. I have decided that I will no longer be ashamed of my arms.

When I wear sweaters to work in the summer I sweat, I'm uncomfortable, I essentially boil and melt the entire day. The only reason I wear them is to cover my body, especially my arms. Arms that are fat, jiggle, have cellulite, and that I even considered altering my wedding dress for (thank goodness I didn't!).

I have been such a "good fat girl". Hiding behind extra clothes in order to be accepted or to to shrink or to not call attention to them. I am the only one who is making active choices in my day because of my hatred for them.  I am the only one who suffers from these choices.I am the one who comes home and immediately throw my clothes off to seek respite from a day spent uncomfortable and miserable.

Cover up now dear! 

They'll never notice the size of your arms under that sweater!!

Well, I'm done. 

From now on I will wear sleeveless shirts with abandon. I will raise my hand and point to there, there and there without apologizing, without trying not to jiggle. I will make choices on what to wear based upon what feels good to my body. I will free up mental space for focusing on my job rather than my internal heat rising uncontrollably during the day.

This week I realized that I had engrained the hatred of my arms to the point that I was willing to physically suffer for it!! I left myself with very limited options, shirts that I have looked at while getting dressed and thought, "nope, I can't wear it if I don't have a clean sweater to go with it". 

This week, I decided I was too fed up to continue like this.

Week one of ditching the sweater= it was glorious. The first day I wore a pale peach sleeveless collar shirt (one that I wouldn't have dreamed of not pairing with a sweater!). Boy was that a change. I felt great all day! No sweating, making wardrobe adjustments while in the safety of my car, or blasting AC to adjust to the heat I experienced while wearing a sweater. It was a great feeling. Best part was that the earth kept moving. It was as if this great revolutionary Body Positive moment occured and no one noticed! No one commented on my arms or even knew what I had done, but I felt amazing in my body. I felt free!!

But then... dun dun DUN! Nipples.

Oh my beautiful nipples.... that show through my shirts, a lot of the time. I didn't even notice them before, because I had lived in the safety and the confines of my sweaters and cover up's. Now they are loud and most certainly proud as they show also, with abandon.

I'll admit, the nipple issue is a complex one. I yearn for a day that I can be fat freely in the world and a day that I can be a woman freely in the world. Where they intersect is still a highly risky (to the rest of the world) act. There is so much stigma and crap given to fat women joyfully inhabiting their bodies.

But let me tell YOU: there is nothing more freeing and radical in the world. 

With my large breasts and my fat arms, I command attention. They're here and they are a part of me. I will no longer cover up to satisfy someone else's comfort. FYI My breasts came with nipples. Nipples I will use someday to feed my children. There is nothing sexual about their mere existence. Whether they are inside a shirt or NOT, they are not inherently sexual or provocative. Because you can see them, does not mean I am aroused. They have: nothing. to. do. with. you.

But the staring. 

What if people stare?? What if they say asinine things like, "it must be a bit nipply!" "are you cold?" "headlights!"

Whereas some people wouldn't mention the sight of my arms, they may be disgusted by my nipples. And the truth is, that my own internalized shame around them is part of what made me don so many sweaters in the first place (dual purpose!). I remember the days when my sister and I would try on the same shirt and when I put it on, I was told (and believed) that on me it was "sexual" or too "sexy" because of my size and my breasts. This is precisely how we measure and compare women's bodies. If one has fat it is "too sexual". We question if we can "pull it off" or if it is too "revealing". Likewise, nipples are thought of completely differently based on size. Nipples on small chests are thought of as cute or not noticeable or disparaged as "bee stings". None of this is right, either end of the spectrum.

I will defy the status quo and not apologize for nipples showing through my shirt. I will work on my internalized shame around their existence, and not perpetuate the part of me that loathes attention given to them that is unwarranted and unauthorized. I will love them as I do my arms and allow myself to fully inhabit my body.

Anytime a fat woman goes out in public and does not apologize for her size, apologize for her gender or gender expression, she is doing a radical act.

<read fat and you can insert thin, tall, etc.>

Anytime a fat woman goes out in public and does not ask others to make her acceptable before she speaks, dresses, or goes about her life, she is doing a radical act. 

Anytime a fat woman goes out in public and loves her body, just as it is, that is a radical act. 

Let's go Love Guerrillas. Let's start a revolution.

#freethenipple #sleevelessandfearless #loveyourbody #loveguerrillas